My head is spinning. It has been spinning for two weeks. Buzzing might actually be a more accurate description. Spinning suggests confusion, overwhelm, dizziness from fatigue. Buzzing is energy, powerful transformative energy, aligning with the whole of me. I've read that body buzzes signal a connection to your truth or Spirit or Source or your God, whatever works for your beliefs. True or not? Don't care. It sits right with me!
This entire year, primarily this summer, I was pushing myself (hard, as I always fucking do) to move my business in a different direction. I started resenting most of my photography work and yearned for something "more spiritual" or "more healing" or "more significant." I frantically sought out people, places, and things that aligned with the vision of what and who I wanted to be. And I constantly ran into disappointment. This was too expensive. That was too far away. Those people are too far ahead of me or too established. Too this and too that. My brain was exhausted and my spirit was seriously crushed. How will I ever become what I want if I can't get there to those people, places, and things?
And then I surrendered. I said, Screw this. I'm tired and I have work to do. Unfinished business to finish. Without realizing it, I let go. I let go of the idea that I would be so inspirational Oprah would notice me. I let go of the belief that spiritual, healing work is another type of work and not the work I currently do. I let go of the self-criticism and belief that where I am right now isn't good enough or true enough. I let go of the fear of being the me I am right now. I paid attention to my surroundings. I accidentally typed surrendings just now. New word? Surrendering in your surroundings becomes your surrendings? Anyway, I paid attention to my surroundings, to my people, to my work (my established work!), and to myself. Hello, Self. I've missed you.
And you know what happened? The buzzing. I saw a fucking door open so wide you'd think the heat from the other side would hit me hard enough to make me realize it was warm and cozy and full of life in there.
Buzzing. Because dialogues began between me and women interested in sharing their stories.
Buzzing. Because my name was being hashtagged on Instagram by a girl embracing her body for the first time.
Buzzing. Because grad students are writing papers about me and my photography.
Buzzing. Because I realized I don't need to become a life coach or a yoga instructor or an essential oils guru or a holistic doctor or a nutritionist. The world has enough of those. I am Katy the photographer and writer, carving my own path with my own kind of personal and social healing developing along the way.
Buzzing. Because I remembered that what makes you feel on fire and lit up is exactly where you need to be.
Buzzing. Because Glennon Doyle Melton's Love Warrior (Buy it. I'm not kidding.) made me feel more tender, more honest, more forgiving, more loving, more understanding, more compassionate, and more aware that trying too hard to become is trying to escape yourself. She suggests unbecoming. I like this. My first step to unbecoming is to remind myself that life and ones footprint take hard work and a whole lotta love for yourself, your place in the world, and your tribe while you do it. And if my footprint is really just a fingerprint or a traceless print because I was wearing leather gloves the entire time, fine, because I know that I lived and lived well, through the rising, falling, and the clambering about.
How will you unbecome?