For any white person who's ever said, "I'm not racist because..."

For any white person who's ever said, "I'm not racist because... insert all the reasons here" or for anyone who keeps hearing "unpack your racism" and doesn't know what that looks like, I give you my history of being unintentionally racist and/or contributing to the racist system. I hope this helps you think about your own white privilege as well as how you may have intentionally or unintentionally been racist or perpetuated racism.

I used to assume I wasn't racist because I never judge anyone based on their skin color, I never call BIPOC nasty names or physically assault anyone, and I never cross the street when a BIPOC is walking toward me. I was raised to embrace all peoples and was exposed to all types of people at camp, youth retreats, in my home, and was even often in the position of being the minority many many times and wasn't afraid of the fact that I was the minority. These are all the checkboxes I went through when I assumed I'm not racist. White people OFTEN go through most of those checkboxes to say they aren't racist, but racism goes deeper, actually.

First and foremost, I was born into this world a white female and raised in a city where I never once felt afraid for my life or getting in trouble with the police. This is a privilege denied MANY. Since I grew up this way, I was never given tools to understand/discuss racism, likely because our family assumed we'd never be directly affected by racism. CONTRIBUTING

In high school, I had a crush on a black kid from Milwaukee at summer camp. So, I invited him to my homecoming in the fall. When showing a photo of him to my grandparents, my grandpa made some awful remark, in his common joke form, about my friend based on the fact that he is black, and I said, "Oh geez, grandpa" and left it at that "because he's old and won't change anyway." CONTRIBUTING

At that homecoming, my date and his friend (who came with to attend my friend to the dance) kept going outside and not dancing with us. I asked why. My date said, "Because it's so white. The music. The people." I yelled at him for being a jerk and told him I didn't care what he did the rest of the night and that I'd take him home right away after the dance. Then, I told my friends that my date was being racist. Not only did I not listen to what/why he was experiencing what he was experiencing, but I assumed HE was racist for feeling uncomfortable at a majority white dance. RACIST AND CONTRIBUTING

In high school, I traveled to Haiti on a mission trip through the Episcopal Diocese of Milwaukee with all white kids and adults. Not even halfway through our trip, I was hit with the revelation that we were coming to this country as saviors of sorts and was horrified. Without tools to address how I was feeling (white privilege, btw...how nice to never need tools around racism), I did what most white people do when confronted with issues of race: I hid, literally and figuratively. I crawled inside myself, into my journal in the guest house with my white friends, instead of out into the community to have conversations with Haitians about their lived experiences and to simply listen. CONTRIBUTING

My first year of college, in my creative writing class, we were prompted to write a short story based on a tough subject. I chose racism and decided to write from the perspective of a young black girl. In the story, I had a young white girl call the black girl the n-word. The story was about the black girl rising up and overcoming racism by getting the white girl to admit she was wrong. Some classmates, during critique, told me I was racist for assuming I could write such a story and especially with that word. I asked how I could be a racist if I'm writing about racism and defended the use of the n-word because it was a reality that many black people live with. It wasn't until years later I realized I had ZERO right to claim I knew anything about a black person's experience in this world and shouldn't have been writing from a black person's perspective regardless of whether I was trying to shed light on racism or not. RACIST AND CONTRIBUTING

Around the time the Black Lives Matter movement began, my brother brought it up. My white fragility was triggered by the notion that all white people contribute to/benefit from the racist system and that racism is at the core of us. I immediately threw back that that line of thinking is racist against white people because not all white people are racist. Then, I listed why I wasn't racist. I also said the commonly heard, "I don't see color," and my brother said, "Of course you do. Skin color is obvious and not acknowledging it erases people of color." CONTRIBUTING

Two years ago, I began following Layla F. Saad, author of Me and White Supremacy, on Instagram. Her posts/videos used to make me shake because sometimes she was angry, and oftentimes, commenters sharing their black experience were angry. I wanted their anger to stop. I felt like they could make their points better if they were calm, even though I'm always someone who advocates for people's expression of all emotions. Almost simultaneous to having those thoughts about how these women should be calmer, I realized I was holding to that pervasive stereotype (so ingrained in white people) of the angry black woman and how she's meant to be ignored, feared, or laughed aside as overreacting. One thing I noted was how supportive I was of black people being angry until it involved white fragility, privilege, and supremacy. RACIST AND CONTRIBUTING

Up until this last week, I've remained silent about racial injustice and police brutality out of fear of upsetting people, especially clients who may feel differently than me. CONTRIBUTING

I have so much to learn, and I'm sure much more to unpack. This list will likely grow as I pause to check myself. Writing this is not easy and I deserve no kudos. I mostly wanted to share this as an example of how nice people often perpetuate racism just as much as, if not more than, blatant, intentionally cruel racists. The harm we well intentioned folks do is still big. Y'all who know me know I love people so much it hurts and that suffering of all kinds rips my heart in pieces, but that has never meant I haven't unintentionally harmed others or was ignorant/blind. The point is, just try to be and do better because black lives matter as much as yours, and white supremacy is real and all around us, taking lives. White people, work on yourselves. It's seriously fucking time. I won't stop now. You shouldn't either. Listen. Learn. Admit to harm you've caused intentionally or unintentionally. Don't remain silent.